I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
last night I used snow as a chaser
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