i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
