bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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