why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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