I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
