I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize