Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
