I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
