Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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