I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
