So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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