I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Congratulations! We have a period
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
