I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
