Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
