Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
