haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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