sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
