This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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