This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
it's like iHOP with fire
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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