JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
