I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
