No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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