dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
