My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize