Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
