it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
