I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
