Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
