He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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