i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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