there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
