it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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