Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
