just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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