This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
