I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
