Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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