i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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