Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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