i don't like sucking hair
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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