UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
