For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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