I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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