everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
