Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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