I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize