have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
