apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
