The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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