do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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