do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
