State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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