Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
