Having a random hookup so left but love u
I think I died a long time ago.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
