Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
