I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Randomize
