What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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