I just cut my nipple shaving
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
