I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
