I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
