I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
